The Energizer

Resilient Insights for Work & Life

Bouncing Forward After Divorce - How Do I Help Myself?

by Eileen McDargh, Chief Energy Officer - Monday, September 03, 2018
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Our guest post today was written by Kathey Batey of Divorce Support Anonymous. Kathey is the author of the Suddenly Single book series and today she shares the steps you must take to build resiliency after your divorce. You can learn more about Kathey at the bottom of her post!

I understand your impatience while going through a divorce. “Just get me through it! I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m disoriented and miserable! And that’s not speaking of the depth of legal and financial aspects of my divorce!” I wish I had the pill for you or the magic dust that gave relief, lessons and growth to you instantly. But there isn’t any. It is not fast and it is not simple. It is a complicated, messy venture to take many years of life and divide it into two piles. It requires expertise in many areas, to not bounce back but to land where you can move forward.

The truth is you don’t want to bounce back to the same state you once were. You want to leverage this painful and powerful time to make yourself more resilient and your life better than it has ever been. You will not be the same person after your divorce, and you determine who that person will be. If you go intentionally through divorce focusing on your healing and facing the emotional, spiritual truths of this experience, you will find yourself a more definitive person, a more compassionate person, and a person focused on what is really important.

Where do you begin to bounce forward?

Realize this is a traumatic time.

So, in realizing it, don’t expect great strength or accomplishments right now, expect survival to get through these demanding and challenging days ahead. It is a life transition that radically affects every aspect of your life. With any trauma there is the need for hope, comfort and direction. Your trauma needs a voice. You need to talk to someone. Talk to a friend or counselor to help release the pain and betrayal you feel. Seek the God of all understanding who truly does understand you, the other person, your fears and holds the peace and wisdom you need. Divorce is a spiritual trauma as well.

Have compassion for yourself.

 There will be moments of humiliation and times when you feel you are a total failure. Shame is a liar that tells you that you are not worthy of love. Speak kind and loving words to yourself out loud. Talk gently to your soul, it is bruised enough. Intentionally care for your body and soul. Eat right, sleep enough, and exercise (any movement) when you can. Listen to uplifting music and uplifting people. Avoid those people who are high maintenance or negative. Guard your body and mind against anything artificial that you think will help you cope. Feel your sorrow as it works its way through you and washes away from you. Tears are a gift to you during this time. They long to cleanse you. Don’t expect to climb mountains right now, just manage the speed bumps. Find the therapist, join the group. Be more conscientious of your thoughts and speech than you have been in times past. They will heal you or harm you. Who is your support group? If you have never had counseling or group support, now is the time to find that counselor or group that can help you deal and heal through divorce. Taking action in these areas will help you become more resilient for the life you will build in the future.

Focus on the essentials. What are the essentials?

The essentials are surviving right now, taking care of yourself and your children’s needs. The essentials are the business you need to tend to legally and financially. Deal with your legal and financial business now so you can live at peace in the future. The essentials are the ability to negotiate, to stand up for yourself, to deal in an honest and upright way to make the cut clean. Your life will be complicated while going through divorce. Simplify everything as much as possible. Secure your network of experts to guide you. Focus your mind on the opportunity in front of you instead of focusing on the injustice and pain behind. You can only focus by tending to the essentials right now. Looking too far down the road will paralyze you.

Bounce forward to a place of stability, control and peace. It won’t come automatically, but it can come if you will make the determined effort to heal and work through this difficult time. Avoid the temptation to stall, shut down or deny what is happening. Don’t shortchange your progress by getting into another relationship right away. Do your inner work to bounce forward to a new you. When you arrive back from this life altering event, like the hundreds of people I have worked with, you will find the place of clarity for your life purpose and that beautiful second chapter of your life to finish strong.

Kathey Batey Author of Suddenly SingleKathey Batey is the creator of Divorce Support Anonymous and the author of the Suddenly Single book series. She is a divorce expert, a domestic mediator and holds support groups on line and local to Grand Rapids, Mi. Connect with her at the Divorce Support Anonymous website or Facebook page Divorce Support Anonymous.

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Eileen McDargh Keynote Speaker Blog Author

About Eileen!

Since beginning her consulting and training practice in 1980, Eileen has become noted for her ability to speak the truth with clarity, wisdom, humor and compassion. Long-standing clients and repeat engagements attest to her commitment to make a difference in minds, hearts and spirits of organizations and individuals. She draws upon practical business know-how, life's experiences and years of consulting to major national and international organizations that have ranged from global pharmaceuticals to the US Armed Forces, from health care associations to religious institutions. Executive Excellence magazine selected her as one of the top 100 thought leaders in leadership and among the top ten consultant providers of leadership development.

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